Pencil sharpeners. How devestating. 30, September 2009

Today was a rough day at school.  Rougher than usual.  My kids were agitated.  Oh la la.

One girl completely freaked out when she dropped her pencil sharpener on the ground and it broke.  It got so bad that I had to call her mom.  She almost pulled the phone out of the wall…so that I wouldn’t be able to call her mom.  She hung up the phone a few times, before I got through.  As I reached her mom, this charming little thing was screaming “shut up!” aloud to the class.

I usually feel like I have control of my class.  But not today.  Today, near the end of the day, you may say there was a mini reveloution.  The many seemed to take control of the one.  The one being me.

Thankfully, there are not many days that feel this bad throughout the school year.   But there are a few…this is probably the third so far.  I hope that doesn’t mean there are 24 more days like today, in store for me this year.

Even sadder… 22, September 2009

I did it.

I lost it, today.

I took my boy, the homeless one mentioned in the previous post, shopping.  At the GoodWill.  He wanted 11 pairs of pants.

What??? Isn’t that a little too much, for a homeless guy?

Life has told him no so many times, that I couldn’t bring myself to tell him no again.  They were just pants.

Then we went to another store, so he could get other necessities.  I mean…this boy was starting from zero.  The clothes on his back.  I bought him socks and toothbrushes, soap and t-shirts (btw, he wanted T-shirts that said “I love my country”. I’m not telling him no…I’m not telling him no…I’m not telling him no…).

Then we bought bus passes.  This one has no way to get around, besides his own two feet.  Try finiding a job within walking distance of the inner city of Milwaukee,

Back to my original point.  I lost it, when I was driving him to where he was sleeping tonight.  I could feel the tears coming on, but I told myself “hold it together Andrea, not that much further.  Pull yourself together”.

But I couldn’t.

I cried.  I asked him why I was born where I was, and he was born where he was.  I told him how unfair life was.

As if he didn’t  already know that.

Dropping him off where he was staying tonight, I told him I would wait until he got inside.  I don’t think he understood me.  I dunno if anyone has ever done that before.

I wish I could have waited for him a bit longer.  Maybe until tomorrow morning, to make sure he got going all right.  Maybe until tomorrow night, to make sure he got back.

To make sure that he doesn’t get lost.

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Sad… 16, September 2009

I know that some of you know I am currently taking 2 of my former students to swim lessons.

What you might not have known is that a friend and I used to do the same thing for a family of 5 we knew, when she and I were in high school.  There were 4 boys and 1 girl.  They lived in the “projects” in Milwaukee.  We would go to their house, pick them up,  bring them to her parent’s house or my parent’s house, and we’d bake cookies, make pizza, watch movies, and have a sleepover.  We did this for about 4 years.

A few years ago, I had a frantic call from their mom.  The oldest one was in jail.  He was carrying a gun (without a license, or whatever it is you need in Wisconsin to carry a gun).  My mom posted bail for him, but he went to jail for 6 months after that.  I can’t say that I blame anyone…we all want to feel safe and don’t want people running around with guns.  I completely agree.  I’m sad that his life got to the point where he felt he needed to carry a gun.

I had another call today.  A different brother now lives in a homeless shelter.  All of his things were thrown out a few days ago, and he needs some new clothes.  I’ll be taking him to the Good Will next week.

What I am really, really sad about is that their lives have turned out this way.  My friend and I thought that what we were doing would make a difference.  That these kids would see how different their lives could be compared to the cards they were dealt at birth.  That  they would be able to get out of the crummy situations life gave them.   But now…now I’m not so sure.

(1 of the 5 seems to have figured things out a bit.  He graduated from high school, and is going to college.  He has a Facebook account, and therefore might be reading this.  !!)

I called my friend tonight.  The one who looked after these kids with me, while we were in high school.  She told me  “Andrea, imagine how much worse their lives could have been.  We probably did make a difference.  They could have ….” and she proceeded to tell me all of the even worse things that could have happened to them in their lives.

What I’m saying though…what I”m wondering…is how much of a difference am I really going to make in the lives of these 2 girls I am now looking after?  They come from as crummy a situation as the other family.  I love these girls, as I love the other kids.

I wonder, though, how far can love take a person?

4 year olds and the police 2, September 2009

I have a sad story.

I often take 1 of my former students and her older sister out…to swimming lessons, dinner, camp, etc.

I went to pick them up today, for a celebratory 1st day of school dinner.

I always hug and envelope  their little brothers while I am at their house.  The baby is adorable, and has chipmunk cheeks that beg to be kissed.

The 4 year-old I am just starting to know.  He is a little, scrawny kid who doesn’t always wear shoelaces in his shoes.  Today I asked him if I could give him a little peck on the cheek.  He shied away from me.  I asked what was wrong.

His sisters told me that he was brought home by the police today.  Apparently, he was beating up his K4 teacher.

I can’t even begin to  imagine all that this little bitty tiny man has seen in his giant 4 years.  Which makes me wonder…how much will he see of the coming 95?